In a stunning decision, the Supreme Court ruled today that all 535 Members of Congress plus the President and Vice President are ineligible for the offices they hold. They have been relieved of their duties, dismissed without pay and sent to their rooms without any supper.
On Wall Street, the Dow Jones Industrial Average is up 973 points on record volume though momentum is slowing because of the absence of willing sellers.
The little noticed case, “Impulse Control and Self Soothing Coalition vs. Barack H. Obama, Joe “Giggles” Biden and 535 Other Clowns,” was brought by a group of kindergarten teachers seeking an interpretation of the three Constitutional age requirements: 25 for the House; 30 for the Senate; and 35 for the Presidency and Vice Presidency. They asked the high court to determine that the chronological age standard was insufficient because the framers of the Constitution must surely have meant the emotional maturity generally achieved by the average grown up.
The 9-0 decision, unusually entitled “Thanks for Asking; It’s About F.ck.ng Time,” was co-authored by the court’s three female Justices: Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan. All of the Justices agreed that the emotional maturity standard was preferable to the chronological measure though it is found nowhere in the Constitution because “we have to do something.”
Justice Clarence Thomas dissented in part because he thought the so-called “eyes up” requirement was unnecessary and took the fun out of political office. He also took exception to the “pull my finger” prohibition because it violated the Congressional hijinks tradition.
All of the Justices agreed that every single one of the 537 elected officials was inattentive, obstreperous, distracting, lazy and unfocused. Not one showed any ability to delay gratification, regulate his or her impulses or sit still and pay close attention. Since these are normally challenges overcome — or skills developed — in pre-school, failure to do so made all of the officials per se ineligible for public office based on the newly-articulated maturity standard.
Supreme Court observers characterized much of the opinion as a rant about recent Congressional vs. White House battling over fiscal cliffs, sequesters, furloughs and bruised egos. “Kicking their feet and pounding their fists on the ground should get them dismissed from a grocery store not to mention elective office,” agreed the Justices.
The decision permitted the 537 office holders to apply for reinstatement after appropriate periods in “time out,” and the individual cases have been remanded to the appropriate Federal District Courts for such consideration. The trial court judges will be required to certify to the achievement of adequate levels of coping skills, sharing, self control, cooperation at play, positive response to redirection, group listening, task completion and in the case of the males “keeping your hands to yourself.”
“Up to now,” the Justices observed, “Congressional recesses have been used to permit the politicians to blow off steam, but in recent years, the recesses required to manage the obstreperous group have taken over the entire yearly calendar.”
“The nation’s business can not be done until we have at least some elected officials who can follow directions, cooperate at play, transition effectively, overcome periods of inattention and remain focused and engaged.”
Though the question appeared nowhere in the briefs, the Justices ruled that all bills were henceforth required to be no longer than the available attention spans of those voting on them. The Court also ordered Congressional and White House cafeterias to manage overall sugar consumption and the oaths of office to be changed to add the words, “We take care of ourselves, we take care of our things, we take care of each other.”
In a related development, Berkshire Hathaway, the company headed by legendary value investor, Warren Buffett, has launched its first startup to be named “Emotion Coaching.” The company plans to teach elected officials comportment, self-regulation, a growth mindset and a focus on natural talents in preparation for their reinstatement hearings. Teachers will praise the effort and hard work that leads to an achievement not the result. Protesters against this approach immediately called for good spankings.
Other little known groups including “Shouldn’t They Actually Have Some Talent?” and “What About Focusing on the Country Instead of Your Party and Yourself?” were reported to be emboldened by the decision and planning to launch their own cases to extend the court’s ruling.